I recently received email from Blogger informing me that this blog nearly gets enough hits for me to sell advertising space on it. I consulted with a web-savvy friend as to how to make it more appealing to a widespread audience, and he told me to a) do more things in Nepal, b) put pictures from such adventures on the blog instead of telling people to Wikipedia them, and c) make it funnier. Doing more things is difficult when I'm working and I feel like I've done nearly everything noteworthy that is nearby. I've tried not to portray too many things in Nepal as 'shocking' or 'humorous' after being here for a few weeks, as I don't want to come off as disrespectful or insensitive, but if it leads to more viewership, which hopefully will enable me to sell ad space, I'm willing to throw caution to the wind. After all, money talks.
I haven't done anything particularly interesting since my parents left, so here is a blog that consists solely of observations and anecdotes from the last few weeks. As I mentioned, my web consultant told me to be funnier, so apologies in advance if I come off as trying too hard. I hope to grow my Finnish audience (where I have somehow gotten over 400 hits) and they just eat up my attempts at humor. I also am killing time while waiting for Tha Carter IV to download, so this one could run long.
-I went to get my haircut at the local barbershop early this morning, as Saturdays are when everybody seems to get their hair cut and I wanted to beat the crowd. My usual barber was occupied, so I was given the option of waiting or having his dad cut my hair. Being hungry and needing coffee, I opted for the latter. When he was ready, Barber Dad grabbed my wrist to pull me up and lead me to the chair. Unlike Barber Son, Dad speaks no English, so I had to rely on signs to communicate. I was expecting to come out of it looking like a solider, but he did a nice job. He broke twice for tea and a smoke, but whatever, I'm only paying Rs.100. The problem came after the cut. Barber Son always gives me a rough, post-cut massage that leads to soreness; Barber Dad proceeded to attack me with a hammering, spinal cord-relocating assault that brought tears to my eyes and has locked my neck at an awkward 10:00 position. I paid my money and staggered back home, only to find two cows grazing on opposite sides of the road, blocking my passage. When this happens, a car usually comes and they move, but it was early and there were no vehicles to be seen. The roads in Baluwatar are probably no more than eight feet apart, and I wasn't about to hit a cow to move them. A fruit guy comes by, sees my predicament, and proceeds to pelt one of the cows with stones, eventually causing it to trot away, but not before soiling the road with a trail of excrement.
-Sundays in Nepal during monsoon season give monotony a whole new level of meaning. Everybody sleeps in to recover from the weekend festivities, gets up late morning and than lazes around until lunch, where we all gorge on some combination of rice, legumes, leafy vegetable and grisly meat for the carnivores. Afterwards, I usually try to take a nap, but piano lessons are going on, and some kid is always repeatedly struggling through the same basic piece, which makes sleeping impossible. This past Sunday, there was a break in the rain, and Shehrish and I went to see Captain America (in 3D!) at the old theatre. Superhero movies have unfortunately destroyed most of my positive childhood memories of collecting comic books and Marvel cards, but at least The Red Skull was present as the antagonist and the producers took advantage of 3D technology by having Captain America throw his shield at my head a few times. There is always intermission at movies in Nepal, so I went to the heavily populated mens room to relieve myself. While standing at the urinal, I hear a voice shout out behind me:
"That's my sir! That's my sir!"
Recognizing the voice, I turn my head to see three of my students waving and pointing at me . The rest of the men in the bathroom start giving me menacing glares, probably confused as to why children are yelling at me while I'm urinating. To make matters worse, one of them came up to me and asked me what I thought of the movie thus far while I was still in the process. I couldn't really ignore him, so I said I thought it was 'cool', whatever, finished my business and booked it on out of the bathroom. One of the kids than offered me some of his Swedish Fish, but I politely declined.
-I think I'm close to mastering the art of haggling with cab drivers. If I'm with Shehrish or any Nepali person, the drivers will usually just run the meter, but when I walk up solo, they see glimmering white flesh and start drooling over how much to gouge me for. Here's an example:
I need to get to Lazimpat, which on meter from Baluwatar is about Rs. 85-100, about $1.25 USD, on meter. I sidle up to a cab, make sure to slowly enunciate my desired destination (twice I've said 'Baluwatar' and ended up in 'Boudha'), and the driver subsequently motions for me to get in. I used to always fall for this and than ask price, but have learned to wait, as they know that I'm unlikely to jump out once they start driving. A typical exchange in a populated area:
Kyle: 'Kati ho?' which roughly translates to 'how much'. If I start with Nepali, they're less likely to hose me, although it probably doesn't matter.
Cab Driver: 300. They usually start with three times the metered rate. I used to fall victim to immediately converting to the dollar, but have since learned the market and know the rates. If they give me a tripled rate, I'll just walk away. If they follow me, I will haggle them hard, as I know they're desperate for money and I'll subsequently lowball him with an offer of 100. If they don't I'll just hit up another cab, but they usually do and counter with 125-150, and depending on my mood and the condition of the car, I'll bite. I have to get from A to B, and don't really mind paying the white tax. This move works in populated areas, as they know I can just ask another car and get my desired rate. If the area is empty and there are no other cabs nearby, I have to resort to different methods:
Kyle: Kati ho?
Cab Driver: 300
If the area is empty or the weather is rainy, the power shifts to the driver, as he knows I'm the desperate one and will likely pay more. The walking away move doesn't work here. I used to try it, but it always ends up in walking back to the cab and then really coughing up, as you're essentially conceding defeat. The power move is to assertively decline, and say something like 'I know the rates, I've lived here 5 months etc.' If they know English, this move has some moxie, but they usually don't understand, so I usually split the difference and counter with 150. The driver than counters with 175-200. I always used to give in here, but have since learned to break out the money as if to say 'This is all I've got'. Half of the time they give in, half of the time not. If not, I'm out of moves, and will either walk away and hope he follows or just give in to his offer, depending on various factors such as weather, the time etc. I used to 'lose' in these scenarios every time, but feel like I carry about a 65% 'win' rate, which must be good for a white person. These zero-sum games take place once or twice a day, and as my Nepali improves, I hope to fully get this game down pat and turn the tables on these hustling cabbies.
-I consider myself reasonably tolerant, and only find a handful of things to be unbearable (Nickelback, Friends and Israeli hipsters to name a few), but I can't really come up with a more unbearable scenario than how I spend my day from 10:40-11:00 am Monday through Friday: tea time in the teacher's lounge, which consists of myself and fourteen women, ages ranging from 25 to 50. The topics of conversation are always a rotating quintet of the following, which I've ranked from least to most insufferable to listen to. I'm not sexist, it just is what it is:
Movies; how (movie) was so cute, usually referring to the mid-90's atrocity that aired on HBO the night before.
-Food; cooking it, eating it, what is fattening, what has carbs, what causes gas etc.
-Clothes; (especially if somebody wears something new) which stores have sales, how so and so's sandals are soft, which brands are cheap/nice, etc.
Men; who likes whom, what this guy said, what it means, why are men like _______, etc. Overall gossip, overall awful.
Me; Being the only male, I get a lot of unwanted attention pertaining to my clothes, something I said/did, how I don't eat meat, when I'm getting married etc.
The conversation is a mixture of 90% Nepali/10% English, which enables me to block out most of it and focus on my Sudoku puzzle until I'm interrogated about one of the five subjects. As of late, I've been grabbing my tea and going up to the classroom to dish on Dragonball Z or have the girls teach me Nepali phrases. Which would you prefer?
Hope all is well, I will add pictures and update the template to sexify the blog soon and hopefully sell ads.
*Soccer Disclaimer - the rest is all soccer*
-Soccer is finally underway, and I have already spent countless hours watching EPL, Europa League, UEFA qualifiers etc. Sherry begrudgingly accompanies me to the Irish Pub and sits through hours of English football. Her favorite team is Man City, as "they're the only team that's fun to watch and they have nice jerserys". In America, matches come on at 7 am and you only get about 2 games a day unless you have a soccer package, and one of them is almost always Man U beating up on a weak sister team. In Nepal, games start around 5 pm and last until midnight, absolute prime time for sports enjoyment. The only obnoxious thing is that EVERYONE likes Barcelona in La Liga, AC Milan in Serie A and either Man U or Arsenal in EPL, which makes for the composite bandwagon idiot fan that is impossible to talk to. I only got into soccer a few years ago and am still learning the ropes, but have greatly benefitted from the blunt, harsh commentary of the British/Indian pundits. Unlike ESPN mouthpieces who usually sugarcoat criticism, these guys will straight tell it like it is and rip teams and managers apart. They also break down games according to the gambling lines, which is infinitely more interesting than simply hearing people pontificate on who will win. I love learning why a team will/won't cover a goal differential, and the breakdown of props is great. If I still made wagers, Man City winning EPL at 9/2 seemed really juicy. Here's to Liverpool and Man City losing but Suarez and Silva still individually killing it for my fantasy team. RVP, start scoring goals or I'm dumping you for Rooney or Bent. Oh, and go Chelsea. Not a great first couple of games, but already looking good enough for at least third. The Torres/Drogba issue is annoying, as Drogba, along with being the nemesis of Man U, is why I started liking Chelsea after I gave up on Arsenal for selling Henry-A.Cole-Adebayor and more in the first few months of my following soccer, and I have always hated Torres. He ruined their chances in UEFA last year and cost Ancelotti his job, and has now given Chelsea a Man City-like dilemma of which strikers to play. Anelka will probably be chopped, which is unfortunate as he and Drogba play well together. I hate Kalou and have never seen him play well, but he gets a lot of minutes. Midfield looks a bit suspect; I'm not too fond of Ramires and miss the days when Lampard was world class. Hopefully Mata adds some punch. I must say, though, it's great being a fan of a team that is owned by a corrupt Russian oligarch with unlimited spending monies. If only he had spent wisely and bought Aguero or Suarez. /endrant
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